Full Disclaimer: This is a big one. It took a little while. All rankings were done on an intimidation scale of 1-10 and it ranks each team’s GM, Head Coach, Offensive & Defensive Coordinators, and overall vibe of player composition. Enjoy 🙂
It’s a dark, cold December night, as you’re driving home from a long day of work. We’ve all been there, deep in the dog days of winter, trudging through the roads in a beater hoping and praying that this is the last snow of the year. But shit, it’s only December. The toes are just getting dipped. Nothing but a dusty Poloroid clipped to the mirror to remind you of the fun trip from late June you took with your gal. Ahhh, what a time. I-
Oh no! I just crashed into an NFL team bus with limited personnel! It looks like the GM, the coordinators, the coach, & a few players are all coming out with blood in their eyes. I might be dead, and I can’t quite make out that team logo from my shattered windshield, but it’s the best time to quickly rank How Scared I Would Be Of Every NFL Team After I Crashed My Car Into Their Team Bus
32. Miami Dolphins (Grade- ???)
Notably played offensive line for Big Ben in Miami of Ohio, graduating with a degree in leadership. Yes. Certified dog.
On surface level, this is a rather ordinary team. I’m not scared of any of these guys, and a peaceful resolution should be all but guaranteed. I mean McDaniel’s over there laughing, big ol smoke cloud just protruded from the door opening. I have nothing to worry about! Man, sure are a lot of weirdos filing out behind him. Who the hell are these guys?
Well this really muddies the waters huh? Apart from legendary nice guy Wade Harman, those 4 all look like they’ll either pal me into exorbitant insurance payments for generations or watch menacingly as Adam Lachance turns me into Flarp. I don’t trust Eric Studesville’s smile one bit, that guy wants to rip my head off. Grizzard doesn’t have a thought behind those eyes, whose side is he on? Mike Judge? Nicest guy in the NFL Wade Harman?! I’m too confused to make any sort of deliberation on this bunch.
31. Las Vegas Raiders (Grade -11/50)
Players 3/10
Huh. Ironic the Raiders are here on this ultra specific list. Nevertheless, as I stumble out of my totaled Chevy Malibu, I notice a Raiders logo on the side of the bus I just walloped. A smile slowly begins to take form, I hit the jackpot in terms of NFL teams to mess with. Broke boy Al Davis is nowhere to be seen, so he won’t be begging me to pay up, at least not yet. Out comes a merry band of 5’6-5’7 tough guys led by the toughest of them all, Josh McDaniels. The stepdad of the NFL. All initial fears are out the window. The man barks about insurance & player safety, but even his boys are tuned out. I play games on my phone until the police arrive then blame it on him.
T-30. Denver Broncos (Grade -2/50)
A Denver Broncos team bus?! Hell yeah! Anyone that watched a second of last season knows this team has no stick togetherness. Led by the 3 headed monster of football terrorists with shit eating grins & jaws so clenched that you must know they mean business. Sean Payton is overrated, George Paton is a buster, and Joe Lombardi’s battle plan would be to get back in the bus & back it up into oncoming traffic, Austin Powers forklift style. Boy oh boy, I’m shaking in my boots at Russell Wilson’s impending safe driving lecture. The second I turn on any Future song I’ve won over the player base while the staff is too busy with Joe Lombardi’s endless pursuit of derailment.
T-30th. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Grade -2/50)
Side note: Defensive Coordinator, it’s Todd Bowles (-10/10) again. And I’m on his PR team’s case. Every picture on google, this man boasts a radiant smile, but turn the TV on on Sundays & I have never in my life seen a coach so disengaged. He’s literally a dead guy, whoever’s reading this, when you see the Bucs on TV next year pay attention to how blank & distant his face is. It’s contagiously boring, why are his immediate google results so cheery? I have a close eye on Mr. Bowles next year.
A Bucs logo? Aw, rats. Vita Vea? Devin White? Shaq Barrett?! That’s not even the end of it, I’m totally screwed man. Woah-ho-hooo, what am I even saying? What I need to be saying is the old saying, A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. The weakest link happens to be the head of the table Todd Bowles! Dodged a bullet there. He hasn’t even gotten up from his seat yet, no one in there has moved a muscle. No, I think Todd Bowles must be carefully considering what to do next. I’m carefully considering pressing legal charges after having watched a painful amount of Bucs games this year. This man couldn’t lead his stream into the toilet without splashing the back of the seat in 2 different spots. While he’s contemplating the crash until the great beyond, I’m going to calmly leave & flee to Mexico, hoping I didn’t bump into Vita Vea.
T-28. Minnesota Vikings (Grade- 10/50)
Players (0/10)
Well, as long as I didn’t bump into or wound Brian Flores, who will continue bouncing from team to team until Roger Goodell can find an unpaid parking ticket’s worth of dirt to keep him out of the league, I should be pretty okay. Man has nothing to lose & would annihilate me with 1 fell swoop. Nothing else from the Weenie Hut Jr.‘s tour bus is gonna move me. Wes Phillips looks like a man I’ve met a hundred times over and I know he smells like Newports & Barbecue chips. Uninspiring. Meh. No worries.
T-28 Green Bay Packers (Grade 10/50)
There’s nothing here to be spooked by off the bat, really nothing to be spooked by at all. You see the look on Gutekuntz’s face in that picture? That look tells me “I’m sitting next to a pretty boy, they’re all staring at him, I’m the boss damnit I gotta look cool too”. Adam Stenavich, I’m sure he’s a great guy. Joe Barry, irrelevant to whom the man may be is not a great coach. I look forward to him sending his defense after me, I know I’ll be able to run right through them through the 5 yard gap around my vehicle to run on the bus and smack Jordan Love on the back of the head. Dumbass. You don’t poke the bears! They’ve been dead since the Reagan administration but this could be quite a galvanizing poke indeed. Bozos.
26. Arizona Cardinals (Grade 13/50)
As I begin to come to my senses from this easily avoidable collision, I see the doors on the bus creak open. Ewok Murray is the first one out, bouncing around, all traffic immediately halts to take in his cuteness. Frolicking without a care, he scurries around diverting all attention from the messy scene. I see another man emerge from the bus..Why that’s gotta be offensive coordinator Drew Petzing. Those worrisome eyebrows. As I meet his quivering gaze I know, and he knows, that he’s not gonna do a thing about this. He begins to run away but trips and falls over Ewok Murray, splatting the ketchup packet in his breast pocket. Aw damnit Drew, he says to himself, ya did it again. Nick Rallis, resident cool guy on the staff, thinks it would be an epic prank to frame Petzing for the collision. The rest of the team emerges on the scene, after I’ve long fled. Drew Petzing is charged with 2 counts of reckless driving. Aw, shucks Drew.
25. Pittsburgh Steelers (Grade 14/50)
NO! Mike this is not how I ever thought I’d end up meeting you, if I’d ever thought I’d really meet you. I couldn’t be filled with more regret, please forgive me Coach! Coach? Are you even going to acknowledge me?
“Gentlemen, while we may have suffered a crumb of adversity this evening, I love it. God damnit do I love it the adversity. Nary but a crumb, it is but a sliver, of the sweat, from the underbelly of this effervescent beast we call life. The sweat that greases our axels through every blink and every movement. I’ll be damned if I throw the baby out with the bath water over a punk ass fender bender, now everybody eyes back on film tablets, we got Cleveland in 8 months. Be sharp. Do better.”
Well, if Tomlin’s got his boys locked in, and Matt Canada is still bald and useless, Helen Keller up in the booth with a can of silly string spraying up his ass, couldn’t call a pass over the middle if he was at gunpoint, bald Matt Canada. I guess I’ll be on my way. Sorry bout the crash guys.
Part 2 posting soon 🙂
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