Thank you for reading! If you didn’t read part 1, go back & read it, see ya soon.
24. New Orleans Saints (Grade 15/50)
Well well well, Loomis you ol crazy bastard it sucks it had to be you guys. I mean, it doesn’t realllyyy suck anymore. Looking at the guy it’s clear at first glance that fastballs got no zip on it anymore. If I crashed into this bus in 09?! Forget it. Mickey’s calling Julio Santana to strangle me with my shoelaces. Who’s he got now? Ol Pete! Ol Joe! Stop it. This team is intimidating but not nearly enough to make me shake in my boots. Taysom Hill is an underrated terrifying person, but Dennis Allen will keep him firm in his seat for this exchange. Mickey sighs, as he pulls the one card he has to play. The good cop/bad cop dynamic of Derek Carr & Jameis Winston. This team could be scarier, but it’s run by a fella running on fumes from the glory days of concussions. I’ll be just fine.
23. Washington Commanders (Grade- 18/50)
Woah! Dejavú on this one, it feels like I’m hitting the Saints in a way. If I’d have hit Jack Del Río pre-CTE or Ron Rivera pre-sickness, I’d be a dead man. Alas, this is a reformed unit. A wiser one some would say. They don’t seem too bothered thankfully. Not much to write about here..
*Carson Wentz stumbles out of the bus, flask in hand, loaded gun in the other*
“Man you shouldn’t have done this, man, I’m barely hanging on man. Did you know I got an MVP vote in 2017?! Fucking.. Nick Foles man..not even that big i swear..Do you remember me man?! I was the man..man! Aw man, I gotta show them I’m the man again! I am a man!”
*Carson fires a shot at my car, which deflects crudely off of my front bumper, hitting him fatally in the stomach.
22. Dallas Cowboys (Grade 19/50)
So this could go one of 3 ways. I’m not particularly scared of the first 2, and the 3rd one is not happening. Yeah. Wouldn’t ever happen.
1. Dan Quinn steps out & sends his goons at me, the scariest option for sure. But he wouldn’t be sending them for blood, he has a penchant for prevent defense after all. The goons surround my car from an effective distance until the police arrive, and I’m arrested. Well that blows. But I’m still alive!
2. Mike McCarthy is the first one to emerge. A spilled chili cheese dog cascading his already schmutz’d windbreaker. A scowl on his face, matching my puzzled brow. He begins to step down the stairs but stumbles over his takeout containers from the town before. He maintains his balance somehow, and begins to desperately smack at his pockets. Looking for his phone, a snack perhaps? He doesn’t have a clue what he’s coming out here for. Forgetting the ordeal, Mike orders the driver to resume travel. Stepping back up the ramp, a devastating burp/fart combo takes Mike’s knees out from under him, and he topples into the driver, who then barrel rolls the bus back over my compromised car. Mike is charged with vehicular manslaughter.
3. Stephen Jones emerges. Wait, what? Stephen Jones? Weird weird weird, oh he’s approaching the window. Oh hi Stephen! Yes I’ll be sure to pay your daddy, oh yes I have heard he’s very powerful and rich. I mean one of the best GMs out there man! Oh that’s you? My bad, well, sorry I guess! What a weird interaction, he’s getting back in, no chance they could be leaving right..?
*Palpatine Jones emerges from my backseat, directly implanting Cowboys propaganda into my brain cells with his lightning hands. My brain is overloaded during the Michael Irvin section, and I die of death. Reduced to a pile of a combination of dust and cocaine, the 2 critical elements of the Dallas Cowboys.*
T-21. Jacksonville Jaguars (20/50)
An interesting team, with a relatively bland staff, and some of the best names on a roster you’ll ever see. Every year, I know Jacksonville will have a Cleatus Westerwood or Jermaine Cheermeister gracing their OTAs depth charts, usually at 4th string at Tight End or Defensive Back. This years team fits the bill to a degree. With Walker Little, Samuel Jackson, Coy Cronk, Chad Muma, Foley Fatukasi, K’Lavon Chaisson, Jeramiah Ledbetter, Foye Oluokon, Yasir Abdullah, Tank Bigsby, Jamychal Hasty, Ayo Oyelola, and Tim Jones. What a list, what a team of vibes. If I crash into them, and I’m the mean guy, I deserve what’s coming to me.
T-21. Seattle Seahawks (Grade 20/50)
Clint Hurtt could snap me in half like a pair of chopsticks, and Pete Carroll has that deceptive old man strength. Those 2 individuals are carrying the Seahawks up to the outskirts of the top 20. They’re not that intimidating, but the trouble I’d be in from a Hurtt/Carroll 2 on 1 is something serious.
19. New England Patriots (Grade 21/50)
As far as I’m concerned, the New England Patriots organization is a 6 man show. It would be 7 but Robert Kraft is into too many rich weirdo hobbies to really factor in here. I can take Head Coach Bill Belichick in a fight, but would he allow that fight to occur? He’d of thought up everything to stop my best moves! Damn. He’s got me there. Well how about general manager Belichick? He might surprise me with a move or 2, but his overall game is lackluster more often than not. Billy O B? As long as the black hole on his chin doesn’t absorb the contact and myself in the process, I will be more than fine. Defensive Coordinator Belichick would waffle stomp me through a sewer grate. Mac Jones would pull all the Draco Malloy one liners out until I got annoyed and left him alone. As for the Belichick seeds, Steve scared the piss out of me when his face popped up during that Tampa game. He would eviscerate me easily. Brian, I feel ya man. As a fellow black sheep, I’ll move along. To Amanda, who single handedly buoyed Bill’s rating by 2 points & that’s all I’ll say about that. Reason enough to be shivering in my boots, but some holes can be found.
T-18. Chicago Bears (Grade 22/50)
Aside from telling me how much they would kick my ass Thirty Eight (38) years ago, the Bears have Ryan Poles to do the talking now. Offensive lineman turned general manager is an unprecedented switch, the CTE formed in the trenches has him believing Matt Eberflus will put fear into my eyes. Laughable, but confirmed girl dad & former best friend of Aaron Rodgers Luke Getzy would probably kick my ass. Alan Williams not so much. There’s not much to dive into in this roster, not yet. I’m making a beeline for Chase Claypool to punch him in the forehead, accepting the imminent Ryan Poles beatdown if I can’t escape quick enough. Wish I could have a beer with Jay Cutler someday.
T-18. Tennessee Titans (Grade 22/50)
Off the bat, I’m tossing aside Shane Bowen & Tim Kelly, who resemble a final boss’ 2 most loyal henchmen. No disrespect to the 2, but it doesn’t matter who’s in their spot, Vrabel is the engine that drives the bus. A man who was once quoted with saying “I’d cut my penis off for a Super Bowl Ring”, I’m sure he’d at least threaten a similar fate upon me for t boning his teams bus. As long as I can somehow attract enough paparazzi to stare at Will Levis & his mid girlfriend, I have a shot to avoid the raging ball of testosterone bulldozing through the traffic. I can only outrun the crazed Vrabel for so long, as Derrick Henry eventually comes to stiff arm me into hollow earth just in time for me to be arrested for fleeing the scene. A relative slap on the wrist compared to what Vrabel was screaming he’d do to me during the chase, and I will certainly have to flee the country upon release. It could’ve been worse though.
Part 3 (16-8) out soon 🧡
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